If Trump hasn’t been filming his four years in the Oval Office and beyond, then he’s really dumber than I think. Because there’s no way that such a media production wouldn’t set an all-time viewing record on Netflix, plus earn a gazillion dollars when it came out on a CD.
So, I’m going to pretend the video already exists and give you a sample of how it will play when it’s released. Dialog in caps — explanation and screen directions in brackets.
RUDY — WE’RE LOSING! A WEEK TO GO AND WE’RE FUCKING LOSING THIS FUCKING ELECTION! [Rudy Giuliani rushing into the Oval Office, banging up against the Resolute desk and stumbling in a drunken stupor onto a couch.]
TRUMP — PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER GODDAMNIT. [Trump is talking into the phone and to Rudy at the same time.] IT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK WHICH MATTERS. THEY STILL HAVE TO COUNT THE VOTES.
RUDY — THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! [Rudy is standing up, weaving back and forth, obviously under the influence.] THEY START COUNTING THE MAIL-IN VOTES IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS! [Starts toppling back onto the couch. Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, now appears on camera, grabs Rudy around the waist and holds him upright.]
TRUMP — WE’LL GET THAT COCKSUCKER AFTER THE ELECTION. [Trump says this into the phone, puts his hand over the receiver and looks at Jared.] RUDY HASN’T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THOSE UKRANIAN GUYS IN FLORIDA HE WORKED FOR DIDN’T PAY HIM AND FUCKED HIM ALL UP.
JARED — BUT POP, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE VOTES. NO MATTER WHAT WE THROW AT BIDEN HE KEEPS A SEVEN-POINT LEAD IN ALL THE POLLS. [Jared shakes his head and obviously is having trouble competing for Trump’s attention against both Rudy and the guy on the phone.
TRUMP — LOOK, THIS FUCKING GUY I’M TALKING TO [Trump puts his hand over the receiver] SAYS HE HAS SOME SHIT ON BIDEN’S SON THAT YOU WON’T BELIEVE. ONE WAY OR OTHER, WE’LL FUCK HIM OVER. [Rudy has rolled off the couch and is sitting on the floor in front of the Resolute desk.]
RUDY — NOBODY’S PUSHING ME UNDER A FUCKING BUS! I’M AMERICA’S MAYOR, REMEMBER? [Giuliani stands up. Totters toward the door. music swells up. Scene transitions to an ad for Trump ties as a gift for ‘the man in your life.’
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Rudy may be making a deal this week to flip on Trump in order to avoid being indicted by Jack Smith. Stay tuned for The Trump Chronicles — Episode #2.